


Complications

by dessertmeltdown



Category: Firefly
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-21
Updated: 2012-01-21
Packaged: 2017-10-29 21:24:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/324313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dessertmeltdown/pseuds/dessertmeltdown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon left Serenity two months after Jubal Early.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Complications

**Author's Note:**

> */-----/ indicates a flashback.

Simon left Serenity two months after the ordeal with Jubal Early. He hadn’t been forced off or told to leave. The Alliance hadn’t been sniffing around. As far as most of the crew was concerned, there was no reason for it. Simon had just gotten tired of being out here or thought he needed to take River somewhere else, somewhere stable. Some equally logical reason.

Mal knew different, but he wasn’t saying. It wasn’t his place to tell anyone why Simon was leaving, if Simon didn’t want them to know.

Simon packed his and River’s things and made plans to leave the ship the next time they stopped anywhere they thought they might be safe, at least for long enough to find a new place. Another ship. Somewhere they could stay put. Anywhere that wasn’t Serenity.

Kaylee was devastated by the fact, and she’d been glaring at Mal like he’d done something wrong, but Mal maintained that there was nothing he could say or do to make Simon stay, and he really didn’t have any reason to. The doctor wanted to leave, the doctor could leave.

There was no reason to keep him there.

No, Simon had made up his mind. If Kaylee’s pleading couldn’t make him stay, nothing Mal would say could either.

They were on Aberdeen for a job, and Simon was getting the last of his things together now that the crew was getting ready to take off again. Mal saw Kaylee head in the direction of the doctor’s room, Mal assumed to make one last effort to talk him into staying. It was useless now, but even he couldn’t be heartless enough to look Kaylee in the eye and tell her to give up. It wasn’t as if he particularly cared, but Kaylee was already upset with him, and telling her how it was would only have served to make it worse at this particular time.

“Because I just do,” Mal could hear Simon and Kaylee whispering loudly as they came into the cargo bay.

“Ain’t no one makin’ you go, Simon. You don’t gotta do this. You know that. We all want you to stay.”

“But I don’t want to stay, Kaylee,” he snapped slightly, and Mal didn’t think it was intentional, but it angered him a bit that Simon thought he could talk that way to Kaylee when he was already hurting her enough just by going in the first place. After all, it wasn’t Kaylee he was mad at.

Simon’s expression softened.

“I’m sorry, Kaylee. I just,” he sighed a bit, “I can’t stay here anymore.”

“Why not? You been sayin’ you can’t stay for weeks now, and you ain’t given me a good reason why not. I know that you’re upset, but Simon, that’s no reason to leave your home.”

Mal ducked out of the room. Something told him he didn’t need to be listening to this, and he really didn’t care about Simon’s reason for leaving anyway. Even if he himself had something to do with it. Kaylee could plead all she wanted, but Mal knew Simon wasn’t changing his mind, and the whys and wherefores of it weren’t important. It was his decision and that was that.

“Be a lot easier now that they’re goin’.”

Mal hadn’t even realized that Jayne was around. He didn’t dignify the other man with any sort of response, because as far as Mal was concerned, when it came to Simon and River, what Jayne thought didn’t matter. And he wasn’t sure 'easier' was the word he would put on what it was going to be like with the Tam siblings gone.

Mal went to his bunk, and he planned on staying there until Simon and his sister were gone and they were ready to get back in the air. Goodbyes weren’t his specialty, and he was sure Simon didn’t want to hear it from him anyway.

\-----

Mal stayed in his bunk until Wash let him know they ready to go. And even then, he had just gone to the bridge and left again as soon as they were safely in the air.

He was avoiding Kaylee. He knew she blamed him for Simon leaving from the look she‘d given him on his way up to the bridge, and he didn’t want to see her looking at him with that half angry, half hurt expression that he was sure she still had on her face now that the object of her affections was gone.

\-----

Mal was only able to successfully avoid Kaylee for about twenty minutes. And even then, it was an accident. He was feeling too restless to go down to his bunk, so he was wondering about Serenity. It sometimes helped him just to hear the hum of her engines when he got in this kind of mood. Apparently Kaylee felt the same way because she was doing the same exact thing.

Mal tried not to meet her eye, but she wouldn’t let him do that. She was going to start in on him. He could tell. He tried to turn and walk away before she could do so, but she wasn’t going to let him get away with it.

“Oh, no you don’t,” Kaylee stepped in front of him to stop him from going.

“I ain’t going to do this with you, Kaylee. We’ve been through this. I have no say in Simon’s comings and goings. I never did.”

“But you did! I know you did, and you know you did. You can say it all you want, but you know you could have made him stay! And you didn’t even try!”

Mal gaped at her. How dare she talk to him like this on his ship?

She got a little softer and less angry sounding, but she still seemed frustrated, despite the softening of her voice.

“You really don’t get it, do you, Mal?”

She shook her head and sighed quietly. Her voice got even softer, and Mal thought she looked like she wasn’t angry with him for the first time in the last two weeks.

“You’re an idiot.”

“I’m a---what?” Mal stared at her in disbelief for a moment. “Now, you best get explainin’, Kaylee. Because this is my ship, and I’m the captain here, and you don’t get to call me an idiot with nothing’ to back it up with!”

“Simon!” she let out a deeper sigh, “All you had to do was tell him to stay, and he would have, and you wouldn‘t do it! You never said a word! Just let him go to God knows where. Him and River could be gettin’ captured right now and you don’t even care! And all you had to do was ask him not to go!”

Kaylee looked like she was going to cry, and for the first time since this all started, he was willing to admit this might have had something to do with him. That maybe he could have done something to make Simon stay. Not that he would have, anyway. He still didn’t believe it was his place. He didn’t know what to say or do, so when Kaylee took off with tears in her eyes, he just stood there and stared as she walked off.

He didn’t know what else to do.

/-----/

The day Simon announced he was leaving Serenity; he pulled Mal aside and told him first.

“This isn’t the best place for us anymore,” had been his simple explanation, Mal couldn’t help but think there was more to it than that, that this had something to do with him, but he didn’t want to say anything. Didn’t want to push it.

“Just say when.”

Mal could have said something more, but he didn’t think it was his place to ask questions or tell Simon leaving Serenity wasn’t the best idea, given the situation. So he didn’t. Captain or not, he had no reason to force anyone to stay on the ship. Not even Simon. No matter how badly he wanted to.

“As soon as we get somewhere.”

Simon paused, and Mal thought it might have been a cue for him to say more, but he didn’t. He couldn’t.

“I’ll go tell the others.”

Simon turned away from Mal and started toward the engine room. Something told Mal he should go after, but he didn’t.

It was the last time they’d spoken until Mal went to tell Simon they would be landing on Aberdeen soon.

\-----

Mal had gone back down to his bunk after his talk with Kaylee. He didn’t really feel like wandering the ship anymore, and there was no one he felt like he wanted risk running into. He thought his bunk would probably be the safest place to achieve that. He fell back onto his bed, even though he wasn’t particularly tired. He just didn’t want to deal with any of this.

It wasn’t that he suddenly felt he had any particular reason he should have, or could have, asked Simon stay, but after Kaylee talked to him, after she told him that Simon would have stayed if he’d only said the word, he felt more than slightly guilty. Because he knew that she was right. He’d known that all along. Mal just hadn’t wanted to admit it.

Kaylee was right. It wasn’t safe for Simon and River Tam to be wandering around alone. They had no cause to trust anyone, and knowing Simon, he would trust the wrong person and get himself caught.

Not that Mal would ever know, should that happen.

That thought, oddly enough, wasn’t at all comforting.

/-----/

“This is the way it is. We ain’t takin’ this job, and I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

Mal was being as clear as possible that this was his final say on the matter, and there was no argument to be had. Since Jubal Early had shown up a month and a half ago, the Alliance had only gotten worse in their pursuit for Simon and River, and there was no reason to take the extra risk of Serenity being seen on a core planet with all of the bulletins that had been coming across on the cortex.

Jayne looked like he might protest, but Mal didn’t give him a chance. He walked out of the dining area without another word.

“Mal?” Simon came from the room behind him, but Mal didn’t stop to listen to what he had to say, “Captain.”

Mal stopped but didn’t turn to look at the other man.

“I told everyone in there this wasn’t up for discussion. That means you too.”

“I’m the one who’s being put at risk. I don’t get a say?”

Mal turned to look at Simon.

“This is my boat. I’m the only one who gets a say. You should know that by now.”

“I’m not going to argue with you--”

“That’d be a first.”

Simon shot Mal a glare before continuing on with his point.

“I’m not going to argue with you, but we could all use the money, and if River and I stayed confined to the ship--”

“We’d still run the risk of Serenity being seen. Don’t think this is all about you and your sister. It’s not. It’s about everyone on this boat. The Alliance finds out you’re here, we’re all humped. Every single one of us.”

Simon looked mildly amused, and Mal was sure he didn’t believe a word of it. It bothered him that the doctor seemed to know him so well.

“I should have known.”

It was hard not to smile, but Mal managed. Barely.

“You should have.”

“I’ll remember it next time,” Simon paused and got serious again, “Take the job. I’m not discussing. I’m telling.”

“I already told you. The decision’s been made. And you don’t tell me what to do. Captain, remember?”

Simon looked to be backing down. Mal was a stubborn man, and Simon seemed to be finally learning that, despite the fact that he was also stubborn.

“You haven’t had a decent job in months, and you know as well as I do we could all use the money. Why not take the job?”

“Too risky.”

“You said that already,” Simon paused slightly and got quieter, “What if River and I weren’t here?”

Mal was thrown a bit by the question, but he couldn’t lie, even if he had a bad feeling about the direction this conversation seemed to be going.

“Then I might take the job.”

“That’s what I thought,” there was another pause, “Things would probably be a lot easier for everyone, if that were the case.”

“Might be.”

Mal didn’t elaborate. He didn’t think it was an important discussion. Just a discussion, and it was no secret that things would be easier, in certain ways, if they didn’t have fugitives on the crew, but that didn’t mean Mal would actually prefer it that way. Truth was, he’d gotten more used to Simon and his sister than he ever cared to let on.

\-----

Mal thought back on the night before Simon announced he would be leaving Serenity. Somehow Simon had gotten it through his mind that it would be best for everyone if he and River left, and Mal realized exactly how much he had to do with that notion. Not that he was taking full blame or anything, but at this point he was willing to admit he could have said something other than things might be easier if Simon and River weren’t around. He could have told Simon that no one, least of all him, felt that way, even though in some ways it might be true. Maybe they could have taken better jobs, had less run-ins with the Alliance. But Simon and River wouldn’t have been there, and the way Mal saw it, that was a much bigger loss.

He wondered how long Simon had been thinking that before he actually voiced his opinions. Before he’d actually taken River and left Serenity.

It was impossible for Mal to know what had actually been going through the other man’s mind. Nothing about the conversation had seemed anything other than normal to Mal, and there had been no reason to think otherwise.

And anyway, why would Simon ever expect him to say anything other than exactly what he had said. Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to say, but since when did Mal really care what the right thing to say was, let alone care enough to say it?

For that matter, who’s to say that anything he could have said would have changed a thing? For all Mal knew, Simon had been planning to leave Serenity for a long while before he actually did it. Wasn’t anything keeping him there.

And maybe Simon was right. Maybe everyone would be better off. Maybe the crew of Serenity could get back to some sense of normal, whatever that was out here in the black. Maybe Simon and River Tam would find somewhere safer.

Maybe.

Mal didn’t want to think about the fact that he didn’t really believe any of that.

\-----

A week.

That’s how long it had been since Simon and River left Serenity. That’s how long it had been since Kaylee had even looked at Mal. Not that it mattered because Mal wasn’t exactly talking to anyone, unless it was to give orders. He wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t feel particularly talkative, and most of the conversation on the ship seemed to be centered around how Simon and River might be faring, and he didn’t care to talk, or think, about that.

Mal headed up to the bridge to see how far they were from Ariel. He’d gotten an earful for it, after all the trouble he’d given them about not taking the job, but without Simon and River there, there wasn’t much risk involved in being on the planet. Not any sort of risk they weren’t used to anyway. And they could use the money.

The Tams had been linked to Serenity, yes, but if they were boarded for search, the Alliance wouldn’t find anything. At least not the siblings.

And the payment, in this case, was worth the risk, if they didn’t have River to think about.

“Wash, how long?”

“A day. Maybe less,” there was a pause, “Look, Mal, I know we need this job, but are you sure you want to--”

“It ain’t up for discussion. Get on the cortex, wave our contact. Let him know we’re on our way.”

Wash looked like he was going to argue, but before he got the chance, Zoe stepped through the door and began speaking.

“You sure about that, captain? Even without Simon and River, this could be dangerous. Last time we were on Ariel---”

“Last time we were on Ariel, they almost got caught. I know. Do I need to remind everyone they ain’t with us, and we ain’t trying to steal anything from an Alliance facility this time. Now, no more discussion. This is how it’s gonna be. My boat. My say.”

Zoe and Wash shared an apprehensive look. Mal could tell they wanted to argue, but they knew better than to say anything else. He’d said the final word on the topic. Even if they felt the notion to speak, they wouldn’t have the chance because Mal walked out.

He was on the way back to his bunk when he heard voices in the cargo bay. Kaylee and Jayne. He knew what they would be talking about. Kaylee’d been talking about it to anyone who would listen, from what Mal could see. Not that he blamed her. He knew she’d taken a liking to the doctor, and it was only natural that she be the most outwardly affected by his absence.

“The captain seem more on edge than usual to you?”

Now, there was a surprise. Mal had expected to hear Kaylee talking about Simon and River. But they’d apparently moved on from that topic, and Jayne was asking about him.

“Ain’t really surprising. Not with Simon and River gone.”

“Mal don’t care about that. He cared he wouldn’t have let them set foot off this ship. Not that it’s anything to cry over. Them two was just bringin’ us down anyway. Never were no good to no one. Just got in the way and kept us from takin’ jobs. Can’t say I’m any upset about them being gone.”

There was no surprise there. Mal almost expected that Jayne would suggest a party the day Simon and River finally left Serenity. He’d wanted them gone since they got there.

“Course he cares! You can tell it just by lookin’ at him! It rips him up knowin’ anything could be happening to ‘em out there on their own.”

“Not everyone cared as much about ‘em as you did.”

“Cap’n did.”

Jayne rolled his eyes.

“Keep tellin’ yourself that,” he paused, “Mal cared at all, we’d have already been back on that planet to pick ’em back up.”

It annoyed Mal a bit that they were having this conversation about him. Especially since they both seemed to think they knew so much about what was going through his mind right now. He cleared his throat loudly, so they would know he was there and stop their conversation immediately. He didn’t want to hear it anymore.

“Don’t you have a job do be doing, Kaylee?”

She looked up with shock. She seemed horrified to have been caught in that particular conversation.

“Oh, uh, right. I’ll just,” she pointed in the direction of the engine room, “go.”

“Seems like a good idea, right about now,” he looked from Kaylee to Jayne.

“I ain’t got nothin’ to do.”

“Jayne.”

Mal’s tone was one of warning. He didn’t feel like having any sort of argument with Jayne right now. Especially not about anything having anything to do with the topic they would surely end up on. He hoped Jayne would get the hint. He must have because he just glared for a moment before taking off in the direction of his bunk.

Mal turned in the opposite direction. He wasn’t quite sure where he was going, but he didn’t want to run into anyone else, especially if they were going to try to argue with him about Simon and River or this job.

\-----

He wasn’t sure why or how he’d ended up coming to the conclusion that this was the place he should be, but it just seemed like his best option. Zoe and Wash were no doubt still on the bridge, discussing how bad this plan was and why. And there was no telling who could show up in his bunk wanting to talk. So, somehow, he wound up in Simon’s old room.

He didn’t care at all to think about what that might mean.

“Cap’n?”

He looked up from the spot at the floor he’d been looking at for the past fifteen minutes to see Kaylee standing in the doorway peaking in at him. He didn’t say anything to her.

“What are you doin’ in here?”

He looked back down at his spot on the floor. He had no idea.

“Don’t really have an answer for that,” he paused, “I could ask you the same thing.”

She shrugged slightly and walked further into the room.

“Come in here sometimes. I don’t know. I think maybe he’ll be here for some reason. Kinda like when Inara first left. Took me a while to realize her shuttle was gonna be empty for good.”

She sat next to him on the bed, but she didn’t risk sitting too close. He didn’t look up at her. This wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have. Particularly not with Kaylee.

“You miss him.”

“I don’t…what?”

“You do so,” she paused and smiled a little, sadly, “It’s okay, ya know, to miss Simon and River. They were just as much a part of the crew as any of us. I miss ‘em too.”

“Course, you miss ‘em. River was your friend and Simon was…” Mal actually wasn’t at all sure what Simon and Kaylee were to each other, but he knew Kaylee wanted something to happen. It was Simon that he wasn’t so sure about.

“Simon was my friend too, Mal. That’s all.”

“But you---”

She smiled just a little more and spoke quietly.

“I did. But he didn’t.”

Mal didn’t say anything else. Not because he didn’t care, but more because it wasn’t his business what was going on between Simon and Kaylee before he left, and he honestly didn’t want to hear about it. They sat in silence for a while.

“It’s okay to miss him.”

“You mentioned that.”

He looked over at her, and he could tell she wanted to say something. She seemed to be holding back though, and that wasn’t like her. He wasn’t sure if he liked the idea of there being something Kaylee was afraid to say.

“Whatever it is, Kaylee, spit it out.”

She paused for a while longer, and when she finally spoke, it was almost in a whisper.

“You could have told him to stay, you know. He would have.”

“Wasn’t my----”

“It was so your place, Mal!”

Mal was startled when Kaylee got louder, forceful. It was more like her, and that was a bit comforting, but it was oddly unexpected.

“It’s all he wanted, Mal! You tellin’ him we might be better off without him? How could you even say that? You know it ain’t so! Look at you! You been gorram miserable since they got off this ship, and you can’t even try to deny it. We all notice. You been sulkin’ around, hiding out, avoiding us all. You’re miserable and you miss him, and you’re too gorram stubborn to even admit that!”

He wanted to yell at her for snapping at him, but in order for that to happen, he would have to form some sort of sentence.

“This is exactly how it was with Inara, too! You let her go and never said a word. Just let her walk away. And now you’ve gone and done it with Simon. Why can’t you just stop pretending that you don’t care for once? Because we all know that you do! Except Simon because he thinks you honestly believe we’re all better off now. And we aren’t,” she paused, “God knows you aren’t.”

“I’m---” he was going to say fine, but he realized how much of a lie that was. So he didn’t say anything. It was easier than admitting to Kaylee that yes, he was completely miserable. He was worried that Simon and River were going to be captured, maybe already had been. He was well aware of how different Serenity felt now that they were gone.

He was miserable.

“I thought so.”

“I still don’t understand why you think I had so much say in whether or not he left. You begged him to stay, pleaded. He didn’t think for a second to change his mind.”

She smiled a little bit and stood up.

“If you haven’t figured that one out, I’m not going to tell you. You can work it out your own self.”

She walked out of the room and left Mal sitting on the bed alone. It wasn’t that he couldn’t work it out, he knew good and well why, but he didn’t want to think about what this all meant. There was too much that went with it. It was too complicated.

If there was one thing Mal hated, it was complications.

Not that it mattered anymore because Simon wasn’t even on the ship.

Mal let himself fall back onto the bed.

He hated complications.

/-----/

Mal felt someone next to him in bed. It took him a few minutes after waking up to remember any of the events of the previous night, but once he did, he remembered them vividly. He rolled over to see the person lying next to him was still sleeping soundly. That would make this easier.

Inara had only been gone for a week, and he’d been sure with her gone, things would be easier. Apparently that was too much to ask.

Complications seemed to follow him around. He was getting gorram tired of it.

Simon moved closer to him, and against his better judgment, he didn’t pull back. He didn’t want to. He thought he should. But he really didn’t want to. He put an arm around Simon and closed his eyes. If he could go back to sleep, he could delay the inevitable.

Admitting that it was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened. And he had to get the hell out of that room.

He couldn’t delay it, though, because he was awake now, and there was no going back to sleep. He opened his eyes again and looked at Simon. He really had to get out of here.

He really didn’t want to.

He kissed Simon very lightly on the forehead before slowly moving away. He didn’t want to be in that room when Simon woke up. That would only complicate things more. And they were already complicated enough. He got off the bed and searched around for the clothes that had been thrown around the night before. He quickly threw them on and left the room. He couldn’t leave fast enough. He thought if he didn’t do it quickly, he wouldn’t at all.

He avoided Simon for as long as he could.

A week later the doctor announced he would be leaving Serenity.

\-----

Mal woke up in Simon’s room. The last time this had happened, he was now ready to admit, he had made one of the biggest mistakes of his life. But not because it had happened. It was because he’d left when he should have stayed.

At the time, he didn’t think much of it. Simon never mentioned what Mal had done to him, and he had never mentioned it to Simon. He’d just assumed they’d both regarded it as a mistake. Something that would have caused too many problems. Something that should never ever be talked about.

He hadn’t even factored that in as one of the reasons Simon might have left. Or at least, one of the reasons he had had more say than he wanted to admit in Simon leaving.

He really was an idiot.

\------

Mal rushed from Simon’s room to the bridge as quickly as he could get there.

“Wash, have you waved the contact yet?”

“Right on that---”

“No. Good. Don’t,” Mal paused, “We’re not taking the job.”

“We’re not?”

“We’re not.”

“So where do you want me to…?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’ll let you know when I have a destination in mind.”

“Oookay. Whatever you say, Captain,” Wash sounded unsure, but he did as Mal said. He wasn’t about to question the captain right now.

Mal didn’t stay on the bridge any longer than necessary. He needed to talk to Kaylee before he did anything else.

\-----

“I’m an idiot.”

Mal was standing in the doorway to the engine room. Kaylee was tinkering away at some engine part or another. Mal was never exactly sure what part she was working on at a given moment. That was her place. Not his. He heard her put her tools down on the ground. She stood up and wiped her hands on her pants.

“Say that again? I’m not sure I heard you right,” she was grinning from ear to ear.

“You heard me,” he didn’t sound at all amused.

“I did, but say it again anyway.”

He gave her a look of frustration, but he also knew this wasn’t going to go any further until he did as she requested.

“I’m an idiot.”

“You’re just figuring that out?”

“I messed up.”

“Yeah. You did.”

“He tell you everything?”

“He didn’t tell me anything. I just knew,” she sighed a little, “I could tell something was bothering him. Even before he decided to take River and go. Wasn’t till after that I figured it out. He told me what you said, could see in his eyes that it hurt him a lot. That’s when I asked him if something was happenin’ between you two.”

“And he said?”

“What should he have said? Of course he said no. Weren’t nothin’ to tell. Said he thought there might have been, but he was wrong. I figured sex was involved.”

Mal spluttered a bit and tried not to look to shocked. It wasn’t as if she was wrong, but that was the first time it was actually mentioned out loud, and it was being mentioned by Kaylee, no less. It wasn’t that he denied Kaylee would, or should, talk about sex, especially given the situation in which he hired her, but it was still oddly strange to hear it come out of her mouth, especially in regards to him and Simon.

“Relax, Mal. He never told me that you did it. But I knew if he was that hurt, you must’ve. And then you started mopin’ around, and I knew. I just don’t understand why you never asked him to stay if it was gonna hurt you so bad.”

Mal didn’t have an answer for that. He just hadn’t thought it was going to hurt him. He had honestly convinced himself that the he didn’t care one way or another whether Simon was around or not. It had been so easy with Inara. Once she left, Mal was able to put her out of his mind. He was able to make himself not care.

He couldn’t do that with Simon. He wanted to. He tried. But he couldn’t.

“You’re stubborn, you know that?”

“I know.”

“You really want him to come back, don’t you?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“You should tell him that.”

“Even if we went back to Aberdeen, he and River could be long gone.”

“They might be,” she paused and smiled slightly, “They might not be. It wouldn’t hurt to find out.”

\-----

Mal sat in front of the cortex screen. Wash had gone to sleep for the night and left Serenity on autopilot, and Mal was sure the rest of the crew had gone to bed as well. He wouldn’t be interrupted, and he wanted to speak to some contacts on Aberdeen, and he wanted to find out if anyone had heard anything about Simon and River.

Turns out, Simon and River were damn good at hiding, even without Serenity and it’s crew. No one on Aberdeen had seen or heard anything about them since they got there, and even though it had only been a week, Mal wasn’t sure whether to be comforted by that or worried that it meant something had happened.

Granted, the Alliance presence on the planet was almost nonexistent, and there had been no waves saying that they’d been captured. But they could have gotten off to anywhere. They could be long gone. A week was a long time, and if they were still on Aberdeen, they were well hidden.

Either way, it didn’t seem like the best idea to drag the crew back there, especially given that it was well out of their way. A week out of their way to be exact.

Mal flipped off the cortex screen after his last contact proved to be useless. He stayed in the chair and looked out into space. He wasn’t sure there was much more he could do, short of going to Aberdeen themselves and seeing if they were still on planet.

\-----

A full day later, Mal still hadn’t decided what he was going to do. There was no telling if Simon and River were still on Aberdeen. Going back to the planet would more than likely prove pointless. And even if they were still there, there was no reason to believe they were in a position to be found. Or if Simon would be willing to come back.

Mal was down in his bunk, trying to think it through. If any one of his contacts had panned out, this decision would be an easy one.

Go get Simon and River. They belonged on Serenity. Anything that had happened or might happen between himself and Simon didn’t matter to Mal so much as the fact that in the last six months, Simon and River had made a place here, and there was something missing with them gone.

But the fact that not one single person he knew on Aberdeen had seen them or heard a thing in regards to where they might be, made Mal think it would be useless to go searching.

He wished he’d told Simon to contact Serenity as soon as he and River were somewhere safe, but he wasn’t thinking about that at the time. He was starting to wonder if he had been thinking at all at the time. He was too busy pretending he didn’t care.

He’d even managed to convince himself of that fact for a short while.

Until Kaylee had to remind him. Yes. This was all completely Kaylee’s fault. If she had just left him be and not said anything, he could go back to pretending that he wasn’t miserable. That he didn’t care. He could have just done the next job and moved on to the next one and the next one and so on. Simon Tam would never have had to be mentioned again. After a while, he could have forgotten the Tam siblings, or at the very least learned not to think about them as much, the way he’d done with Inara.

At least, it was easy enough for Mal to pretend it could have happened like that. More than likely, he’d be feeling the same way. It just would have taken him longer to get there, and no one else would know anything about it. Which, honestly, he would have preferred.

Mal wasn’t sure when things had gotten so complicated, but he was sure they had been for a lot longer than he ever let himself realize.

He hated complications.

\-----

A day later and there was still no decision. Wash had contacted him several times to ask if there was a location. Mal hadn’t decided on anything, and he wasn’t sure he would. He didn’t know what the right answer was. It seemed easiest at the moment for them to just keep flying until he came to a solid conclusion.

“Mal, you down there?”

Mal went to answer the comm for what seemed like the fifth time in an hour.

“Wash, I told you, I don’t---”

“It’s not about that. There’s a wave for you,” he paused, “Do you want me to send it down?”

There weren’t a lot of options as to who it could be, as far as Mal could think of at that moment, and he figured if Wash was offering to send it down directly to him, it had to be fairly important or urgent or both.

“Send it.”

He turned to the cortex screen in his bunk and waited for the wave to come down. When it came through, Mal was surprised to see Simon looking back at him.

“Captain.”

Mal took a moment to find his voice.

“Well, Doctor,” he paused, “Figured you would have forgotten all about us by now,” Mal was able to force himself to sound like he didn’t really care that he was hearing from Simon.

“It’s only been a little over a week.”

Mal thought he saw a very faint hint of a smile somewhere on Simon’s face, but he thought that might be too hopeful.

“Oh, is that all? We lose track of the days out here, you know,” he paused, “Any particular reason you’re contacting? Thought you’d be wanting to sever all ties or some such once you were gone.”

Simon looked a bit hurt, and Mal felt guilty. He knew he was going too far with it, but it was much easier for him to act like he wasn’t as relieved to be hearing from Simon as he actually was.

“No,” he paused, “I didn’t leave because I---”

“I know.”

There was a moment where neither said anything. It was tense. Mal had to fight the urge not to make up some reason why he had to go, but couldn’t do that. Not even if he had really wanted to. He cleared his throat.

“Where’s your sister?”

“Sleeping. She hasn’t been doing well since we…” he paused, “I’ve been having to give her sedatives, and even then she’s having nightmares.”

“You found a safe place yet?”

“We found a place. I’m not sure how safe it is, but it’ll do for now.”

“Still on Aberdeen?”

“For the time being. I’m looking though. Trying to find a place.”

“You know you can come back any time.”

“I know I could,” he paused and got quieter, “If I wanted to.”

“So you don’t?”

“What?”

“Want to come back?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” he took in a deep breath, “You said it yourself. Things would probably be easier if we weren’t around.”

Mal frowned a bit. He hated himself for saying that, especially given that it wasn’t at all true. Nothing was easier with them gone, even if it meant not having to work quite so hard to avoid the Alliance. When he finally spoke, he was so quiet he wasn’t sure Simon would hear a word he was saying. He almost hoped that was the case. Almost.

“Simon,” he paused, “That’s not what I…I didn’t mean,” he let out a soft groan of frustration and looked at the screen, “Look, I ain’t good at this, alright? I know I shouldn’t have said that. It ain’t true. Nothing’s easier with you and your sister gone, and I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want you to come back. Both of you.”

“Mal.”

“You should come back.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Why is it not that easy? Simple as this, we come back to Aberdeen; you get back on the ship. Done. It’s that easy.”

“You know what I mean.”

Mal did. Mal knew he wasn’t exactly talking about just coming back to the ship. They had a lot to deal with. A lot that he was trying really hard not to think about right now because it was complicated enough at this particular moment.

“Simon.”

“No, Mal. You know what I’m talking about. I can’t say I don’t want to come back. Not honestly. But I also can’t say that it made me feel particularly good that you just let me leave without even so much as a goodbye. It’s not that simple, and you know it. If I were to come back--”

“We have a lot to talk about. I know.”

“Yeah. You know. But you’re also not the easiest person to talk to, and that’s when you’re willing to try. I don’t even know that you actually are. After all, you’ve been avoiding what happened since it happened.”

“I was an idiot.”

“I’m not going to argue.”

Mal didn’t say anything. It wasn’t like he had anything to fire back with. Simon had every right to feel that way. It felt like forever before Simon spoke again.

“I should go.”

“Come home, Simon. You belong here. You know you do.”

“I can’t do this right now, Mal. I don’t know if I can ever do this.”

Simon was gone before Mal could get out another word. Mal wanted to throw something. Or shoot something. Any kind of violence would do. But instead he just put on a shirt quickly and left his bunk.

\-----

“Wash, I know where we’re going.”

Mal walked into the bridge. He had made up his mind the second Simon disappeared from the cortex screen. He had to actually talk to him. Somewhere that Simon couldn’t just shut him off when he didn’t want to hear it.

“Just say where, and I’ll set course.”

“Aberdeen.”

Wash looked concerned.

“Simon and River in trouble?”

“No. Not particularly. It matter?”

Mal noticed Wash trying to hide a smile, and he started to wonder if everyone on the ship knew his business. He was going to have to have a talk with that gorram mechanic.

“Yes, sir.”

“I don’t wanna hear it. Just go.”

“Anything you say, captain.”

“Wash.”

Wash turned back to the dials and started pushing some buttons without another word. But he looked amused about something. Mal was definitely going to have to have a talk with Kaylee about what was appropriate discussion amongst the crew.

\-----

A day later they were only hours out of Aberdeen, and Mal was suddenly not entirely sure whether he was right to do this or not. For one, he didn’t know where on Aberdeen Simon was. But he knew Simon was there, and he was too stubborn to let Simon ignore him like that.

Kaylee had been almost giddy when Mal let her know where they were going. Not for long though because Mal gave her that little talk about how she wasn’t to discuss his personal life with any crew member. Zoe just gave him a knowing look, which indicated to him that whatever information Kaylee had shared with Wash, Zoe now knew it too. Jayne didn’t complain as much as Mal had expected, but he still hadn’t pretended he wasn’t completely against the idea. In fact, he’d made it very clear that he wasn’t going to help them find the siblings for any reason whatsoever.

Mal wondered up into the bridge. Wash looked back with a slight grin, but he did appear to be trying to hide it, even if he wasn’t doing a good job of that. Mal was grateful for that much.

“Not much longer now. We’re about an hour out.”

Mal nodded a little bit. His unease was obvious. He was tense. He was starting to have second thoughts about all of this. There were a lot of ways it could end up going, most of them not good.

“Can still change your mind you know.”

“Who says I want to?”

“You should probably be sure about this, Mal.”

“I look like I’m not sure to you?” Mal was aware that he didn’t look sure, but he’d hoped just saying it was enough to make Wash stop talking.

“Fair enough.”

“Just tell me when we’re ready to land.”

“Not a problem.”

Mal didn’t say another word before turning to leave again.

\-----

They landed a little more than an hour later. Mal wasn’t even sure where he was supposed to be going, but they were there, and he couldn’t stay on the ship long enough to give him a chance to change his mind, and he knew there was a chance that could happen.

Kaylee had insisted on leaving the ship with him. Something about two people being more likely to find them than one. Mal hadn’t really been listening, but he hadn’t been in the mood to argue. He figured he was probably going to get enough of that when, or if, he spoke to Simon.

“You got a clue at all where they might be?”

They’d been walking in silence, but Kaylee broke that silence after about ten minutes.

“No.”

“Where’re we goin’?”

“Don’t know.”

She nodded a little bit and went back to walking without speaking. Mal was grateful. He didn’t think he had an answer for any of the questions she could possibly ask him right now, and he had to concentrate on figuring out where Simon and River might be.

\-----

Three contacts, two idiot shop clerks, and an hour later, Mal and Kaylee had what Mal thought might be enough information to find Simon and River. One of his contacts had heard something about a brother and sister staying at one of the lodgings some time in the last day or so. Weren’t sure if it was Simon and River, but it was worth a shot, especially considering they seemed to match Simon and River’s descriptions.

Luckily, the person working the desk at the lodge was willing to bend the rules after Kaylee flirted with him just a little bit. Mal was afraid he would have to offer him money, which wouldn’t have worked, considering they didn’t have any.

They had a room number. Mal was able to convince Kaylee to stay downstairs for the time being, with a lot of talk. She’d been adamant that she didn’t want Mal to mess it up, but he had to talk to Simon alone.

It took him much longer than it should have to get up to the room. He didn’t really have anything in mind to say. Right now he was more focused on trying to make sure that Simon, if it was Simon, didn’t slam the door in his face.

He was in front of the room he had been told the siblings were staying in and stood for longer than he should have, without knocking. He finally knocked after what seemed like at least twenty minutes but was probably closer to two, in reality.

The door opened, and Mal was relieved to see Simon standing there, even if he looked to be a cross between angry and shocked. At least he was there.

“Mal?” he paused, “What are you doing here?”

“Seeing as you didn’t want to let me get a word in the other day before you cut me off, I thought I might come see you in person.”

“Mal, you should leave.”

“No.”

“Mal. I don’t want to do this.”

“To bad. We’re going to. Now, are you going to let me come in?”

Simon looked defeated. He moved out of the way so Mal could walk into the room. River was asleep on the bed. When Mal looked at Simon closer, he noticed it looked like Simon hadn’t slept in days. He knew when they were on Serenity, Simon sometimes couldn’t sleep when River had bad days. He wondered if it had really been that bad this last week.

“Mal, what do you want?”

“To talk.”

Simon looked like he was going to argue, but sighed and spoke quietly.

“So, talk.”

“Come back, Simon. You’re better off there. So is River.”

Mal could tell Simon didn’t have an argument for that.

“Maybe we are, but you as much as told me I should leave, and you didn’t argue when I said I would. I would much rather this than have to worry constantly if we’re getting in the way.”

“Simon.”

“Don’t, Mal.”

“Would you stop saying that? I’m going to say what I have to say,” he paused until he was sure Simon was listening, “I shouldn’t have said that. You don’t get in the way. Neither does River. You belong on Serenity. Come back.”

Simon was all the way across the room, and Mal was all too aware of how far that actually was.

“Mal.”

“Don’t,” he moved closer to Simon, but he was trying not to get too close, “Simon, I want you to come back. I never should have let you leave in the first place. I should have asked you to stay.”

“You had no reason to want me there.”

“Yes. I did,” he paused, “I do.”

“Please don’t, Mal.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t do this. Don’t say something you’re only going to regret later and then take back. You know as well as I do that when,” he paused, “if, I go back, in a day, maybe less, you’re going to pretend none of this ever happened. Just like you did before.”

“I’m sorry. I know I was an idiot. I’ve admitted that. Do you have any idea how much it took for me to even get close to admitting that?”

“Mal,” Simon sighed quietly, “I know. I know how hard it is for you to say that. But I just--”

“Simon.”

Mal didn’t say anything else. He got as close to Simon as he could without actually touching him. He wasn’t exactly sure how much he could get away with, but he didn’t come all this way for Simon not to come back with him.

“Mal.”

Mal got quiet.

“Simon, if you think I’m going to let you stay here, you are so very very wrong.”

He leaned in and closed the very small gap between them. The fact that Simon didn’t jump back when Mal kissed him was a slight comfort, but he wasn’t completely satisfied until Simon stopped feeling tense and leaned into him. He hadn’t completely screwed this up yet.

“Please, Simon. I don’t beg. Hell, I have a hard time just asking people instead of ordering. Please come back.”

Simon didn’t say anything for a long pause. Mal wasn’t sure that was a good sign or a bad one, but he hoped for good, despite thinking there was still not a big chance this could go well.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes,” he paused, “I’ll come back.”

Mal didn’t hide the fact that he was relieved. He let out a deep breath and pulled away from Simon, though only slightly.

“Good.”

“You were right before. River and I are better off there. She hasn’t had a good day since we got here. The only reason she’s asleep now is because I had to give her a sedative. She won’t be out much longer, and she’ll be in the middle of a nightmare or a flashback, more than likely. She loves Serenity. I never should have taken her away from there.”

“I shouldn’t have let you.”

Simon sighed a little bit.

“Are you sure, Mal? That we’re not just in the way? I don’t want to be somewhere we’re not wanted.”

“Simon, you’re wanted on Serenity. You belong there.”

“I don’t know if I would say that.”

“I would,” Mal paused, “Now, should we get you packed so we can get back home?”

\-----

Kaylee almost squealed with joy when Mal came down with Simon and River trailing behind him. River was calm now, but that hadn’t been the case when she first woke up. Simon had given her a mild sedative, just enough to calm her, but not enough to actually make her sleep again.

“So, you’re comin’ back to Serenity, right!?” Kaylee’s voice was filled with excitement.

“Yes. I’m coming back.”

“Shiny!”

Kaylee walked alongside Simon and River, with Mal trailing in front of them. There was a lot to be talked about, but he wasn’t about to talk about any of that in front of Kaylee. Especially seeing as she has a nasty habit of spreading his business around the crew.

The trip back to Serenity wasn’t a long one. Mal didn’t say much the walk back. Kaylee was saying enough for all of them. Not even Simon could manage to get a word in. Mal thought about reminding her that it had only been a little over a week since she’d seen them but decided against it. He decided, instead, to just keep his mouth shut and let her talk.

She was still going on when they got to the ship, but Simon had managed to get in a little and it was more conversation now than Kaylee chatting Simon up. When they got back to the ship, Simon took River to get her settled back in her room. Kaylee set off to the engine room, and Mal headed up to the bridge to let Wash know everyone was back where they were supposed to be.

\-----

A few hours later, they were ready to set off. Mal had told Wash there was nowhere particular in mind yet, but he was going to be getting in touch with some contacts in the next couple of days. They hadn’t taken that job on Ariel after all, so they were going to have to get something somewhere or they wouldn’t be able to fuel the ship. And Kaylee said something about needing some part or another, and after the last time, Mal didn’t want to take any risks.

He was in his bunk, even though he knew he really needed to talk to Simon. He thought it might be best to wait awhile, even after their short talk back on Aberdeen. Or maybe he was just avoiding. Even Mal couldn’t tell anymore.

Not that he felt like he had any real reason to avoid Simon. They’d talked. They’d kissed. Simon had agreed to come back. But it was still complicated, and it could get messy. And Mal hated messy situations. It was one of the reasons he hadn’t put up more of a fight when Inara left. One of the reasons he hadn’t put up much of a fight when Simon had said he was leaving.

He was starting to regret his decision to go back and get Simon in the first place. He should have just let him stay gone.

Not that he would have felt any better about that, being that it would have left Simon and River on their own and anything might have happened to them.

But at least Mal wouldn’t have to deal with any of this.

\-----

“Captain?”

Mal had apparently fallen asleep at some point because he woke up to the sound of Zoe’s voice. He opened his eyes to see her standing at the ladder.

“I ask you to come down here?”

“No.”

“I didn’t think so,” he paused, “Mind tellin’ me what you’re doin’ here, seeing as I didn’t give you permission.”

“I just thought since you were avoidin’ everyone again, I’d ask if you wanted me to work on finding contacts.”

“I ain’t avoidin’ anyone.”

“That so, sir?”

“It’s so.”

“Could have fooled me, sir.”

“Zoe,” there was a warning tone in his voice.

“Of course, sir. Not another word about it,” she paused, “You can’t avoid him forever.”

She turned to walk back up the ladder.

“I thought you said not another word.”

“I meant after that, sir,” she called back.

As she walked out his bunk, Mal closed his eyes again. He knew she was right. Simon was back on board, and Mal couldn’t avoid him forever. He’d implied to Simon he wouldn’t do this again. But he couldn’t help it.

He was really an idiot, and he knew it.

\-----

After another couple of hours of avoidance, Mal finally convinced himself this was something he had to do. It was even something he wanted to. He would just have to get over it if he didn’t want something like this happening again.

And he really didn’t.

He left his bunk and walked to Simon’s. He knew there was a chance Simon wouldn’t even be in there because of how River had been acting lately, but he didn’t want to talk to Simon anywhere else, just in case anyone else decided they wanted to be in a given place.

He looked inside the room to see Simon getting his things unpacked. He had to work up the courage before he actually indicated he was there, and when he did, he was very quiet.

“Simon?”

Simon didn’t look up at him.

“You’re not avoiding me anymore?”

“I wasn’t--” he sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re saying that a lot.”

Mal didn’t say anything in response. He hadn’t actually had a plan of what he wanted to say when he came in here, and he was certain it wasn’t going to go well at all.

After a few minutes Simon stopped what he was doing and turned to look at Mal.

“What do you want?”

“I just wanted to--”

“What, Mal? You wanted to come and apologize? Maybe kiss me again? And then what? Avoid me for the next day or two until you’re ready to apologize again? It doesn’t work that way. You need to make up your mind. Until you do, feel free to avoid me all you want. I didn’t come back because of you. I came back because this is the best place for River.”

“Simon.”

“Don’t, Mal. Just don’t. Inara leaves. You sleep with me. You avoid me for weeks. The next time you speak to me, you tell me things would be better without me here--”

“That’s not what I--”

Simon didn’t stop to let Mal speak.

“So I say we’ll go, and you never say one word. Not one. You just continue to avoid me. Pretend nothing happened. And that’s fine. That’s the way you wanted it, and I was leaving. You let me go, and I do. I’m fine with letting you and the crew be better off because I don’t want to keep River somewhere that neither of us are wanted---”

“I never said you weren’t wanted---”

“I actually thought it might change, you know. When you came to find me. I thought maybe, just maybe, you meant what you said, that you were sorry. But that’s not why I came back. I came back because River was doing worse. I just thought…” he paused, “But we got back, and you didn’t say another word. So if you want to avoid me and act like nothing’s happened between us, that’s fine. Because I’m not here to be with you or wonder if you’ll ever stop being so damn stubborn. I’m here to help my sister. And that’s all,” he paused, “You can go now.”

Mal blinked a few times. He wasn’t sure how to respond, and when he finally spoke it was almost in a whisper.

“Simon…”

“Just go, Mal,” he turned back to his things and began unpacking again, “Just go.”

Mal wanted to walk further into the room and make Simon look at him and listen to him. He wanted to kiss Simon again and prove that he meant what he was trying to say, but he didn’t do that. He stood in the doorway for a while longer and just watched Simon unpack. He tried to make himself speak up. But he didn’t.

He turned around and walked back out of the room.

Mal really hated complications.


End file.
